Narcissists die how they live: ugly. I believe this is because of resentments. Narcissists are deeply resentful and grow more resentful as they age.

Some narcissist grow up in homes marked by genuine abuse, neglect, or instability, while others are shaped by chronic overvaluation, excessive phrase (the golden child), entitlement, or inconsistent parenting. Despite these very different developmental paths, both narcissistic children can arrive at the same place: a worldview organized around resentment. Those who experienced real abuse may magnify or continually relive those injuries, while those without significant abuse may reinterpret otherwise ordinary childhood experiences as profound injustices that did not occur the way they remember. Both paths, however, carry resentments into adulthood, filtering present-day relationships through them and reinforcing the belief they are uniquely misunderstood or mistreated. As they grow older, these resentments often become more entrenched and increasingly central to their identity.

Aside from their resentments, other things happen to narcissists as they age. First, they lose their cognitive function so their powers of deceit, divisiveness and coercive control become more obvious to previously innocent bystanders. Secondly, their sources of supply diminish. They may lose other rescuers or protectors to death (Aunt Shy), lose their authority within the family, their independence, their targets, or social attention.

Some narcissistic behaviors to lookout for as the narcissist ages are manufacturing crises, exaggerating catastrophes, threatening to disinherit family members, returning to old addictions, 5150 holds, intensifying smear campaigns, provoking new conflicts, leaning harder into victimhood, creating new dependencies, or recruiting new flying monkeys.

If you’re a family member I’ve been estranged from for decades, or an old childhood friend who has experienced this with my father, or maybe another aging narcissist, I’m sorry. The only thing I can really offer you now is knowledge, and the hope it helps you recognize these issues earlier than I did.

Why is my father holding a fist up like this? I always thought it was weird. I now think it’s the vulnerable narcissist, unable for most of his life to achieve grandiosity, feeling grandiose. Atta boy.

It may appear ironic to those family members reading this that all my life I’ve been the one consistently pushing for and advocating for healthier relationships within my family. Whether it was me breaking through the denial surrounding my family’s disease of alcoholism 15 years ago and telling my brother, Colby, that I was going to fight for our family’s sobriety with or without him; holding my father and brother accountable for their unhealthy and toxic behaviors, or now identifying narcissism in our family, I have continually advocated for healthier communications, interactions, and boundaries between the three of us. I’ve lived with NPD in my family without knowing it my entire life. Now? I just want to live in peace.

Part of me feels empathy, sadness, and compassion for my father and brother. But there’s an important question to ask here: When does a victim of NPD become a perpetrator? If initially a narcissist is a victim in childhood, they eventually move to become the perpetrator abusing others and causing great harm throughout family systems. I believe the victim becomes a perpetrator at awareness. Awareness begins when someone confronts the narcissist or seriously questions if they’re on the narcissistic spectrum. Studies show narcissists know what they are doing. They know the harm they are causing but do it anyway because it provides them favor. They’re great at justifying their abusive behaviors. This to me is a form of awareness. But when someone puts all the pieces together for the narcissist, and the narcissist still abuses others, maybe their own children, they’re perpetrators. Awareness is the point for me when the narcissist moves from victim to perpetrator.

In the summer of 2026, I confronted both my father and brother about their covert, communal and vulnerable narcissism. They couldn’t respond to my claims (narcissists run from accountability). But regardless of their response, their awareness clock began ticking in the summer of 2026. I made sure of that. They may have been made aware prior by other people, but to be sure, they were definitely made aware of their narcissism in the summer of 2026.

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In July of ’26, I invited my brother, Colby, to spend two days with me in Monterey, walking the beaches and talking about our childhood. Colby expressed interest and said maybe he’d meet with me down the road. I was skeptical then and remain skeptical at the time of this writing. Why? The invite to Monterey is about self-reflection and accountability. If you study narcissism, it’s a safe bet Colby will never actually make it to Monterey.

Narcissists don’t believe they need to change their ways. Colby knows I’m aware both he and my father are narcissists. He knows the topic of our Monterey meeting and narcissists don’t want to change. They justify their abuses, rely on portraying themselves as misunderstood, and hope to continue their abusive behaviors, business as usual. But what happens to the narcissist once they’ve been exposed?

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The most shocking thing I’ve learned while studying narcissism is that narcissists develop targets and if they don’t get compliance from the target, whether that target is their own child or not, they try to destroy that target. This still boggles my mind to think a father would do that to his son – a parent to their child.

“When a narcissist develops a target, they seek to destroy that target if they don’t receive compliance, cooperation, submission, or control over that person. Over the course of their life, they often continuously escalate their efforts.” I think of Francisco Goya’s gruesome painting, Saturn Devouring his Son.

My father won’t be able to destroy me but I’ve had enough of it. Even at 82 years old, I can still see him trying to damage my relationships. He’s threatened to disown me and write me out of his will. Maybe he already has. For me, though, I’m relieved. I’d rather know about the narcissistic thread that runs through my family and be written out of my family will than receive inheritance through compliance and remain blind to their pathology. Those two issues, however, shouldn’t be mutually exclusive.

Once you understand narcissism, the targeting reads like a playbook. It’s easy to anticipate a narcissist’s next move.

I’ll be waiting for the next round of flying monkeys….

A lot of narcissists are hoarders. My father is both. This is relevant because of the interesting narcissistic concept called “self-object functioning.”

Self-object functioning means a person relies on another person to perform psychological functions that help maintain their own sense of self. A narcissistic person may target someone for control and compliance because that person performs an important self-object function – regulating the narcissist’s self-esteem, identity, or sense of power.

In a striking parallel, a person who hoards may be unable to relinquish possessions because those objects also help the hoarding narcissist to again regulate their sense of self, providing identity, security, or emotional regulation.